Nat tagged me to do this. In fact I was just waiting to be asked since I think I have this unique mommy feeling. Just like all the other mommies in the world !:) Thanks Nat.
Motherhood defines me. If I had only one thing to say about myself - I'd say I am a Mother. More than Wife, Daughter, Friend, Colleague, Sister...even more than Myself. That's a goddamn loser thing to say but its the honest truth even if I try to escape it.
As things stand today, anything remaining of my own me-only life is squeezed out of what my children allow. If its a movie, its got to be the graveyard show, if its a dinner date bedtime is sacrosanct and I can only make it on days when there is no school next morning. Usually anything that does not involve kids does not happen on my weekends, however interesting, urgent important it may be, my laptop bag's got pink gum stuck to it and it won't come off. My office desk has silly artworks from my kids and a gibberish letter Ruhi wrote to me last year. There is Boomer chewing gum and Cadbury Gems in my laptop pocket. My ipod's got Lion King music. I got no ambition and each time my boss asks me what I really want to do, my career plan ahead, I have twenty things in my head that just add up to being with my children some more.
I suspect I do not deserve the love and attention of my husband, or my mother's affection or the space that my work allows me...or...or...since motherhood has devoured my life, every bit and piece of it and my mind is always wrapped up in diapers, homework, dental appointments, holiday plans, bedtime, household chores and vaccinations. BUT.... I'd have it no other way !
Why???
Because : )
1. It gives me the ONLY chance to re- live my childhood and micro manage it too. I never had much of a child hood anyway, so this is my trip back in time to set it alright. Its like healing. I google for music, games, nursery rhymes, fairy tales, play date ideas, origami - anything the doctor ordered for the perfect little made to order childhood. I do not want my kids to miss out on all that I missed. And I take it too far because in that perfect set up is a mother who never gets flustered and always delivers ! So never mind that it has given me high blood pressure, I love my event management job here !
2. I can blame all the weird quirks in my kids to my husband, his extended family and the ancestors. Some riddance to the angst of having an alien - alien marriage ! So Ruhi is a hypochondriac and a sissy just like them and Rayyan talks too much just like them and if anyone calls them good looking or bright or funny, well Ahem that could be because of my side ! I just love that fishing for ourselves in the little ones, whether we be there or not.
3. The feeling that I am super human ! Sometimes over weekends and school holidays when Ruhi is screaming her lungs out and Rayyan has poured toy buckets of water over my wood floor and they are tearing each others hair apart while I am trying to juggle stuff like fixing breakfast for house guests (my house could well be a guest house), telling the clueless maid what to do, and there is no milk in the fridge plus my phone is ringing, I feel a strong urge to run away from it all. You know just pick up my bag and car keys and GO. But thats never an option and it always blows over. And after every evening of driving back from work, feeding them dinner, bathing, homework, packing school bag, bed time stories, crisis (what's plural for crisis?) and tantrums I end up completely exhausted and nearly brain dead. But later when the house has gone off to sleep, I peer over their angelic faces, and I feel special and strong. Its worth it I know and in a few years the physical ordeal should be over and I can be easy on myself. Or so I hope.
4. Its made me a better human being ! Yup, I am more PATIENT, caring, honest, responsible, humane and all that blah. The motions of pregnancy and the idea of their complete dependance on me for everything and the responsibility for these tiny fragile lives has transformed me forever. I feel changed, not just fat and stretch marked but other crazy things I imagine - like I feel my hands look different - hard working, clipped nails, almost the doctor's hands and I don't miss the nail paint and manicures. The expression that see in my pics is different. Thats not the me I knew 7 years ago. Some where along the way, motherhood has also made me sensitive to my relationship with my own mother. Its made me respect and appreciate that invisible all encompassing thing called 'mothering' that we take for-granted, till we bear children of our own. She never got a thing alright but she is my mother and I know she must have tried.
5. And lastly because it feels like heaven to be fussed over by my children. Sometimes when I come home from work Ruhi grabs my bags and lugs them to the room. I know she would have made the bed for me and some nimbu-pani. But of course the linen from the cupboard would be strewn on the floor and the lime peel and water would be all over the dining table but just that act of absolute affection turns everything else out of focus. Or when little Rayyan comes running like a rocket, wraps himself around my legs and does war hoops to celebrate my coming back home. Or that soft, wet kisses that he generously plants on my cheeks on demand. Or when Ruhi gently runs her hand over my forehead after a long day. Their silly gifts and notes. Nothing compares. Nothing !
Hmmmmm...as usual I deliver mush !
I would love to hear what these mommies around the world have to say :
If you are doing this tag, please remember :
Guys, post 5 things that you love about being a mom/dad) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country ..and to leave a link to the post at HBM, who started this tag.
