Truth is rarely simple, hardly pure...

Friday, May 23, 2008 : 4 PM:

Like everyone else, I guess I have been very disturbed after the 14 year old Arushil was murdered in her sleep. Her first photo splashed in the newspapers was probably taken a couple of years ago when she still looked a small child. In that picture she has that sweet innocent look that I find on my 6 year old daughter's face. Its a very unsettling photograph and I have been mostly sleepless since then. I keep flipping news channels every night till I drop off with exhaustion. In the morning my stomach churns when I pick up the newspapers, in anticipation of that same photograph, those large smiling eyes starting at me. All of these days I have spent maximum time agonising over the death of that child. When the press started speculating that the father could be involved, I was livid with anger. Don't these journalists have Kids ? Don't they know how precious children are ? Can an educated man, a Doctor of repute harm his minor child, no matter what the provocation..


Just now, when I went back lurking on ibn7.com , I read that the father has been arrested. He did it. Killed his only child. The daughter had discovered his extra marital affair and he killed her. I was scared I'd puke on my desk. I felt a sharp shooting pain in my head - usual situation when I am going mad. Do I feel like that only because that girl Arushi looks like my daughter in that picture? Or is it that I can see the truth - that the society we live in is a reflection of what we are ourselves ? And that its all so ugly when you watch it like an audience, so , so, so...I don't have the right words. What do you call anything that is the most vile, disgusting beyond imagination....

Wannabe !

I am embarrassed to put up my 'Wanna do ' list here ! But I am doing it anyway !

Embarrassed,  firstly because I didn't want to admit that I don't know how to swim and secondly the fact that amongst the top ten things that I want to do ASAP is buy a bag that I don't need since I don't keep the company where my bag really matters. Its so a 'wannabe' thing. 

But I decided long ago to be excruciatingly honest on my blog or to not write at all ! And write this list I must because I can't still believe that I bought my Jeep a month ago ! I've so so much wanted to drive my own jeep for so many years now !

Its one thing off my list and I didn't imagine it would be the very first since it cost more than the bag that I want and the US trip and swimming classes and the tattoo and the hair cut and the potter's wheel and the gym membership put together ! 

So I have hope that I will live (not just buy, rent, pay house loan till in the grave) in that humble house of my dreams !

And I know, that if I write it down here, it won't be easy to forget it in a hurry !

So here goes :

1. Learn to swim

2.Own a Jeep 

3. Live in a house with a just-for-me private bathroom with an ordinary bathtub, a very fancy modern kitchen with all the gizmos in the world, bay windows in the rooms, white curtains and a small terrace balcony from where one can watch the stars at night. No light-bulbs, no TV, no mobile phones. Only internet ! lol

4. Get a potter's wheel & small studio of my own in that patch of land that my husband owns in the wilderness near Delhi

5. Take the Kids to Disneyland before they grow up

6. Learn to play a musical instrument

7. Get a 'khanda' Tattooed on my wrist

8. Teach in a School

9. Buy a LV Bag :(

10. Start Gymning

11. Get Ruhi to dance...
12. A gold chain anklet for one ankle !
13. Start sketching again & start Painting 

14. Buy a Nikon SLR & pursue serious photography

15...

I have edited this list to add more things as I go along ! Its a never ending game isn't it ! 

................................................................................

I have the state of mind to compile the above,  when around me, an earthquake has killed more than 50,000 people in China. A lot of them small Kids. And 9 cycle bombs have killed 63 people closer home in Jaipur. 

Quite out of context, in reference to Michel Houellebecq I told a friend this afternoon that I am an eternal optimist. My friend said I was lucky.

Mothers' Day !

May 11, 2008 : 7.45 PM inside PVR Saket, just settled in my seat after dragging a bawling Rayyan along with his dirty blue blanket (it goes everywhere), omelette & biscuits, water bottle (which I always have to sneak inside since they don't allow it), Ruhi and Kirti inside the auditorium to watch a movie called 'Bhootnath'.

Its the first day of my children's school vacation and though I despise the thought of watching a three hour long movie about a bollywood Ghost, I make them seated and fetch two large buckets of popcorn & Juice, trying not to leave a trail of popcorn as I walk down the aisle to my corner seat.

Rayyan & Kirti are sharing a bucket and I am sharing popcorn with Ruhi and the movie has already started. I love popcorn more than any food on earth. Only Ruhi can make me not dig my face into that large PVR popcorn bucket and keep my chin stuck in it till its physically impossible to eat directly with my mouth.

So I do the next best thing - I take fistfuls of popcorn from her at regular short intervals and stuff my mouth with my fist. Its like, I hold my fist full of popcorn to my mouth and munch off each flake till it has all disappeared in my mouth. PVR popcorn tastes like heaven and I am lost in my popcorn bliss till I feel Ruhi nudging me frantically.

She has a disgusted look on her face : " STOP EATING LIKE A MONKEY!"

I immediately withdraw the fist from my mouth and start feeling like a 5 year old caught misbehaving : " Awwww...I' am sorry Ruhi..."

Ruhi : "Oh God, and you are dropping it too !"

Me : "Shucks, really sorry poppet..."

I transfer the leftover popcorn to my left hand and pick up just one and silently put it in my mouth. She is back to watching the movie again.

I look at the dainty little proper miss from the corner of my eye and tell myself : Happy mothers day !

Katrina Kaif Vs Moi !

Rayyan's usual style of entering the house after he has been fetched from school is to shoot inside like a rocket that takes off from our gate. If there is anyone around inside the house, there is mad scramble and great noise about saving him from hitting the dining table glass or crashing into the door. If there is nobody around, he stands near the kitchen and announces in the most musical voice ' Main aa gaya a a a" ( I have arrived !). LOL

So this morning as usual, I was sitting on my corner of the bed, pretending indifference as I heard excited noises of Rayyan coming back from school. I usually wonder if at all he would remember me admist the great fanfare he is received with, by Dada, Dadi Kirti Didi, Nanak Bhaiya, the girls in my husbands small home office !

He usually comes charging up the stairs to my room with great speed, chattering away to himself after his reception committee have done their number. Sometimes he takes more time with his coterie and then my impatience gets the better of my pretended indifference. If he takes more than 10 minutes to come upstairs, I scream ' Raeeeeeeee' - my pet name for him that irritates his urdu-diction -fixated grandmother so much!

Today, he came scurrying up as usual and said " hello mummy" .

Ruhi has always called me Mama or ma and Rayyan also mostly calls me Mama. But sometimes when he feels like it he says the most funny punjabi accented 'mummy' ever !

Me : Hello Raeeeee, come give me a hug please?
Rayyan : Main kattykettle se shaadi karoonga ( I will marry ' kattykettle')
Me : WHATTTT?

Kirti (his maid) promptly explains that he wants to marry Katrina Kaif !

I gape at him with mock shock (inside my head I am making plans to get the cable connection disconnected ASAP...how could he possibly know how hot Kattykettle was without watching an overdose of Zee music ?!)

Me : No Rayyan, 'Kattykettle' will not love you like Mama does. PLEASE marry me?

Rayyan : "No, No, No. 'KattyKettle' se shaadi karoonga".

And then he shoots off like a rocket again in the opposite direction.

I smile in amusement, heave a sigh and start collecting my things to leave for work.

After just a few minutes, he sneaks back to the room carefully making sure no one else is listening.

Comes up and whispers in my ear : "Main aap se shaadi karroonga !" ( I will marry you )

I make the most horrid coochie- coo noises, pick him up and kiss his entire face, squeeze him and tickle him till he is shrieking and kicking to get me off his tiny self !

Move on kattykettle !

LOL

Rayyan's third birthday !

Rayyan turned 3 on April 18th and his grandparents arrived from Jodhpur a day earlier in anticipation of his birthday 'bash'. I felt very queasy with that invisible pressure of knowing that his Dada & Dadi felt disappointed that there was no birthday party for Rayyan, specially because I go out of the way to organize a rather ostentatious party every year for my daughter ! What they don't know is that after every such party I vow never to have another one again. Because I invariably end up planning the party keeping the adult guests in mind even if I don't want to, and no matter how well it is planned, I get to do the donkey's job without a minute to spare to be with Ruhi and her friends. At the end of a rather expensive and tiresome day I have always ended up wishing I had spent the day alone with my daughter...
Ruhi loves her birthday parties. Her favorite year round game is to organise birthday parties for herself. Sometimes imaginary. Rayyan, I think is too little to understand what it means to have your own birthday party ! He believes that birthdays are wonderful events that other kids have and where you get return gifts. So everyone who said 'happy birthday' to him got a 'happy birthday' back in return. 

Ruhi was initially  grumpy about Rayyan's birthday since she can't deal with him getting such special attention solo ! But since she loves playing hostess to her friends and since this is her favorite game she enthusiastically invited her girlfriends in the neighborhood at rather short notice upon my suggestion. I organised for some finger food, choco pies, popcorn, chips, icecream and other kiddie stuff while dadaji baked a few cakes. Yes, a FEW of them, don't ask me why !!

Rayyan does not have any friends yet in School or in the neighborhood. He usually plays with Ruhi's girlfriends in the park so he was delighted when the girls dropped in with presents. Ruhi snatched the presents and opened them for him promptly demanding ownership of them. She even insisted in cutting his cake for him but could not get away with that one! I was very proud of my boy as he confidently blew out the candles and cut his cake without help. He will be fine, I know, with or without me around.

I played games with the Kids, helped them make a giant card for Rayyan, we danced and had great fun. In the evening my parents, brother & best friend dropped in for dinner. Rayyan had a blast cutting another of the few cakes grandpa had baked ! He is a delightful boy who smiles a lot and talks nines to the dozen but is shy with strangers. He preens for hours in front of the mirror and makes eyes at little girls. He tells me I should wear hair clips and notices my nailpaint, earstuds and new clothes unlike his father! His favourite thing nowadays is to call me 'Meri Mummy' ! I fall in love with him a little bit more every other day...