I didn't go to school to meet the Principal as invited on Monday. I sat there procrastinating and then decided I would go the next day on Tuesday. As expected it was about Little Rayyan bursting into tears when the curtain went up. She had not noticed that I was sitting right in front of the stage, but even so...
And it was about Ruhi - usual things like her way of walking like a scared little deer, her soft nervous voice during school assembly whenever its her turn to recite on stage, her quiet presence among a class full of boisterous, loud friends. Her coming across as 'under-confident'.
She said it was only that she cares that she pushes me so hard...
We talked for the longest time and amongst many things right and wrong I felt there was something wise she said - that I got to forget everything and first of all deal with my 'guilt' about the kids. About the inadequacy that I feel all the time that I am not doing enough. The same feeling that makes me cry each time I talk or think about my Kids. I had been thinking I was perhaps depressed..
Like always, on my thoughtful way back I reluctantly agreed I was slowly leading myself to become a nervous wreck and I was leaving behind the happy person I used to be - like some skin I am shedding....all because I am guilty ?
5 comments:
hi, i too am a mother of a five year old, and am regularly called to his school.. the problem though in case his case, is that he is too restless....seeing him jump about and enjoy himself is fu, but not when it results in complaints from others. Felt nice reading your blog.....
Hey.. i love the way u write...
Dont be guilty.. we are all doing our best and yet we think we dont do enough. This is motherhood.
I remember my son's class teacher telling me that our son was too quiet in class and I remember asking him to be less shy etc. ANd guess what the latest complaint is.. he talks too much! So now i ignore such comments and try to remember my own childhood, how we mastered our fears and failings. They will do it too.
Hey GW I think you need a vacation.. :) dont feel guilty.. like Happy Kitten says you are doing your best and you need to applaud yourself for that.
Seriously consider the vacation. I find that when I am stressed out a couple of days away from home doing nothing at all helps.. Go to a resort or some such place and indulge yourself and your kids!! :)
You're blaming yourself way too much, Gurpreet. I cauggt up with your blog after a long time today and started reading from the Bombay trip...and while reading it I was amazed at how much you think about Ruhi, how much you do to give her just the right kind of upbringing, to show her the best childhood a little girl can have - full of magic and experiences and stories that she can recall with fondness when she grows up! And three posts later you're berating yourself for not doing enough!! I could barely believe my eyes.
I think many kids go through pangs of low-confidence but they find their own ways of blossoming. Bad analogy, but a bit like caterpillars. I was one myself: when you describe Ruhi's behaviour at school, it could very well be me 20 years back!
Have you ever given this a thought - that perhaps your anxieties and worry rubs off on your kids? Children can be amazingly sensitive and observant of their parents' - especially their mothers and your over-worrying might be apparent to them in a sub-conscious way.
I think I went ahead of myself in this comment because I myself am nowhere near motherhood. But what i've written is what i honestly felt after reading your blog and I hope it will make you feel better.
No. You are not guilty. You feel guilty. There is a huge difference in the two things. I think the principal is right. And she seems to be a sane voice in today's crazy academic world that I have been reading about on other blogs. Did you talk to her about how to raise Ruhi's confidence levels? It is one thing to be concerned, and totally another to be able to give concrete suggestions. I'd also be interested in seeing how much involvement she suggests for the TEACHERS. If you want to raise your kids' confidence levels, you can't do it alone. School has to work WITH you to help accomplish that.
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